I'm writing to share with you about my experience with FFXIV's storyline and how it has helped me process components of my story. This is a one-off account, as I don't want these personal details associated with my main account.
My spouse and I have been long-time gamers, and in particular have always loved Final Fantasy games. In 2013, a few months before ARR was released, we decided to try and become parents. The naivety and simple beauty of ARR-- the forests of Gridania, the beaches of La Noscea-- were a great expression for where we were as people, and we experienced childlike joy in the game just as we experienced joy and excitement at the prospect of becoming parents.
As a year went by, then two, the path to becoming biological parents went terribly. We saw doctors, went through fertility treatments and a traumatic miscarriage, and realized that having biological children wasn't a path available to us. 2015 brought FFXIV to the cold, bleak eternality of Heavensward, and for us, it brought us to the realization that one of our deepest lifelong dreams-- to have biological children-- would never come to fruition. It was a dark winter in our lives, a thousand-year war of our own.
Somehow, though, we made it through. As Stormblood progressed starting in 2017 and Eorzea cried for rebellion, My spouse and I considered whether we would be able to be emotionally vulnerable enough to explore our dream of being parents, again. Just as those subjugated under Garlemold's rule had no easy paths forward-- they could either suffer oppression in silence or risk everything for a chance of freedom-- we too began again our journey into figuring out whether we were prepared to fight again or would rather live life without pursuing our dream. We both continued to take great solace in FFXIV, although I don't think we really saw the story as mirroring our own at this point.
As we flew into Shadowbringers, my spouse and I came to a decision-- we are ready to try again, but we want to do so in the right way. We've decided that spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments wouldn't be the right path for us. If we're going to spend the money and risk everything, we want to do so that will provide for a child in need. We decided to move forward with adoption. We prepared for it for several months, and formally started the adoption process in late 2019.
That year, Shadowbringers brought a tense and emotionally complex story. We had themes of adoption raised with Raubahn and his son in Stormblood and before, but Shadowbringers personally hit me hard with the narrative of Thancred and Ryne. There was a lot of emotion to work through.
And yet, in Shadowbringers, there was another story that quickly became the emotional focus-- the Unsundered. The Ascians. Fighting for a world long lost in the feint hope of recreating it, even if it cost everything. Driven by both memory of the past, but also for a vision of the world moving forward. Able to bring the dead back to life (i.e. Emet Selch in Raktika). Willing to pay any cost for what they valued most, for a dream once dead. The Ascians... they were becoming the metaphor for our experience. Not going to lie, in my heart, I truly did hope for some sort of hope for restoration-- for reconciliation-- for the Unsundered.
Early-mid 2020 (so, this year), my spouse and I were matched for an adoption! The impossible has occurred! We have a great connection with the expectant mother, and even though it's both financially and emotionally risking a tremendous amount, we felt-- for the first time in a long time-- hope. It all feels impossible, and yet somehow realizable. I felt a bit like Emet Selch, daring only to offer the faintest smile at the prospect of restoring what he lost.
The present, September 2020. It's about time! Our dream is about to come true. That which we hoped for is about to be achieved. As Emet Selch must have felt atop Mount Gulg or Elidibus upon taking the Crystal Tower, the impossible dream felt present. Our hope was to be realized!
Then, yesterday happened. The expectant mother changed her mind and notified the adoption agency. It is all over. The months of emotion, of cautious optimism, of hope, came crashing down. We support her right as an expectant mother to choose this-- after all, this is her world, not our world-- but it meant that our world had to come crashing down. The loans, the hundreds of hours of effort, the sweat and the tears... in an afternoon, wiped out.
I think back to Emet Selch and Elidibus.
"Remember us. Remember that we once lived." The dreams we had as a young couple.
"The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it." Our child.
Right now, we are in an intense period of grieving. I don't know if we'll dive back into adoption, again. I don't know where to go from here. I know one thing-- it's not the direction of Fandaniel. Madness is not the right path. Perhaps G'raha Tia-- reborn into himself, with the memories of a failed future?
We're balancing emotion with distraction. We're taking time off work and playing FFXIV. To be honest, it helps. It has also helped to write this post. If there are others out there with whom this echoes, I hope that it is helpful.
submitted by /u/AscianSympathizer
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Continue reading...
My spouse and I have been long-time gamers, and in particular have always loved Final Fantasy games. In 2013, a few months before ARR was released, we decided to try and become parents. The naivety and simple beauty of ARR-- the forests of Gridania, the beaches of La Noscea-- were a great expression for where we were as people, and we experienced childlike joy in the game just as we experienced joy and excitement at the prospect of becoming parents.
As a year went by, then two, the path to becoming biological parents went terribly. We saw doctors, went through fertility treatments and a traumatic miscarriage, and realized that having biological children wasn't a path available to us. 2015 brought FFXIV to the cold, bleak eternality of Heavensward, and for us, it brought us to the realization that one of our deepest lifelong dreams-- to have biological children-- would never come to fruition. It was a dark winter in our lives, a thousand-year war of our own.
Somehow, though, we made it through. As Stormblood progressed starting in 2017 and Eorzea cried for rebellion, My spouse and I considered whether we would be able to be emotionally vulnerable enough to explore our dream of being parents, again. Just as those subjugated under Garlemold's rule had no easy paths forward-- they could either suffer oppression in silence or risk everything for a chance of freedom-- we too began again our journey into figuring out whether we were prepared to fight again or would rather live life without pursuing our dream. We both continued to take great solace in FFXIV, although I don't think we really saw the story as mirroring our own at this point.
As we flew into Shadowbringers, my spouse and I came to a decision-- we are ready to try again, but we want to do so in the right way. We've decided that spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments wouldn't be the right path for us. If we're going to spend the money and risk everything, we want to do so that will provide for a child in need. We decided to move forward with adoption. We prepared for it for several months, and formally started the adoption process in late 2019.
That year, Shadowbringers brought a tense and emotionally complex story. We had themes of adoption raised with Raubahn and his son in Stormblood and before, but Shadowbringers personally hit me hard with the narrative of Thancred and Ryne. There was a lot of emotion to work through.
And yet, in Shadowbringers, there was another story that quickly became the emotional focus-- the Unsundered. The Ascians. Fighting for a world long lost in the feint hope of recreating it, even if it cost everything. Driven by both memory of the past, but also for a vision of the world moving forward. Able to bring the dead back to life (i.e. Emet Selch in Raktika). Willing to pay any cost for what they valued most, for a dream once dead. The Ascians... they were becoming the metaphor for our experience. Not going to lie, in my heart, I truly did hope for some sort of hope for restoration-- for reconciliation-- for the Unsundered.
Early-mid 2020 (so, this year), my spouse and I were matched for an adoption! The impossible has occurred! We have a great connection with the expectant mother, and even though it's both financially and emotionally risking a tremendous amount, we felt-- for the first time in a long time-- hope. It all feels impossible, and yet somehow realizable. I felt a bit like Emet Selch, daring only to offer the faintest smile at the prospect of restoring what he lost.
The present, September 2020. It's about time! Our dream is about to come true. That which we hoped for is about to be achieved. As Emet Selch must have felt atop Mount Gulg or Elidibus upon taking the Crystal Tower, the impossible dream felt present. Our hope was to be realized!
Then, yesterday happened. The expectant mother changed her mind and notified the adoption agency. It is all over. The months of emotion, of cautious optimism, of hope, came crashing down. We support her right as an expectant mother to choose this-- after all, this is her world, not our world-- but it meant that our world had to come crashing down. The loans, the hundreds of hours of effort, the sweat and the tears... in an afternoon, wiped out.
I think back to Emet Selch and Elidibus.
"Remember us. Remember that we once lived." The dreams we had as a young couple.
"The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it." Our child.
Right now, we are in an intense period of grieving. I don't know if we'll dive back into adoption, again. I don't know where to go from here. I know one thing-- it's not the direction of Fandaniel. Madness is not the right path. Perhaps G'raha Tia-- reborn into himself, with the memories of a failed future?
We're balancing emotion with distraction. We're taking time off work and playing FFXIV. To be honest, it helps. It has also helped to write this post. If there are others out there with whom this echoes, I hope that it is helpful.
submitted by /u/AscianSympathizer
[link] [comments]
Continue reading...