It needs to run old Midi files of previous Final Fantasy games on autorepeat. You need tons of cheezy moving .gif icons and a comet curser too (hell, make it so it autoinstalls weatherbug and gator).
We want really descriptive writing on the front page, so we need to have someone like Nofxkorn write the intro for us. It has to let everyone know how badass we are. Don't do frames or anything, just do a static background image (i.e. dark blue/black background w/ dark purple or midnight blue text). Make sure we get alot of fire and skulls! SKULLS ARE COOL! OMG MAKE THE BACKGROUND FIRE!!!1111eleventy!
You need a hit counter at the bottom so everyone knows that the page has been visited 115 times by you. Make sure to leave enough zeros in front because you never know how many millions of people are going to visit the page.